I leaned back in my chair in the dimmed theatre on Keplarr-452b. It was impossible to get comfortable in the high gravity. The thick planetary atmosphere almost felt like a blanket lying on a person; the humidity was impressive. I sucked in a dense breath.
         My good friend and crewmate Ted, sitting next to me, glanced over. "You okay, Jack?" When I'd first arrived on our ship, the Shakespeare, he'd beguiled me with his extraordinarily long eyelashes.
         I nodded.
         The crew of the Terran Cultural Committee's flagship was putting on one of Earth's masterpieces, Hamlet, for the Keplarrians. It was an unusual experience for me to be in the audience, since I was a huge star, but I was trying to make the most of it. I stared up at the stage, letting the whole experience wash over me.
         Lord Polonius, aka First Officer Carter Nillion, was talking. "This above all: to thine own self be true. And it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man. Farewell: my blessing season this in thee!" Carter was doing a good job; he actually had some acting chops. Who knew? He did resemble a classically-handsome leading man, tall, with symmetric features--so it was good he could play a leading man.
         I found this section particularly intriguing since I was a clone. Who was thine own self? Not the original Jack Jones--I hoped. He'd ended up being a dastardly thief and murderer, a brigand, an evildoer of the highest order. I paused. Maybe I was getting a little carried away. At any rate, he was imprisoned back on Earth, so I didn't need to worry about him anymore. I cleared my throat.
         "You could totally play any character in this, Jack," Ted whispered.
         "I know, right?" I whispered back.
         "Their loss," he said.
         I nodded. "Yeah."
         Somebody sitting behind us said, "Shh!" It must have been a human, because it was doubtful the Keplarrians knew about shushing. Or could make that sound since they were snake-like creatures. I glanced back but it was too dark to see who or what it was.
         "Sorry, but my part's coming up," Ted said. "I have to go."
         "Shh!" the mysterious audience member said again.
         Ted stood.
         "Down in front!"
         Ted leaned over and crept away.
         Yes, it was irksome that I was pretty much the only member of the Shakespeare's crew not in, or working on, the show. Especially since the official mission of the Shakespeare was spreading Earth's awesome culture for the Terran Cultural Committee. The Shakespeare's unofficial mission was spying on the rest of the galaxy for Earth.
         Ophelia, aka Engineering Lieutenant Olivia Lee, said, "My lord, he hath importuned me with love in honorable fashion." With her golden-hued skin and wide-set almond eyes she made a great Ophelia.
         I could imagine someone importuning her with love. I lost myself in the story...
         
         At intermission, no one from the crew came out to say hi to me. Frankly, it was surprising. I'd made a point of staying near my seat so they could find me. "Oft expectation fails," I muttered.
         The theatre had a distinct cave-like vibe with walls, floor and ceiling made of what appeared to be gray rock. It wasn't the first non-Terran theatre I'd been to that reminded me of a big cave. On the other hand, all theatres looked pretty much the same with the house lights dimmed--especially from the stage.
         As I lollygagged, I studied the crowd. I didn't see any sign of the annoying humans giving Ted grief earlier. I did see a few Tau-Ceto-ans with their gray scaly skin, powerful thick arms and legs, rounded backs, and gray-brown tunics. I'd been told not to say they resembled turtles, but come on. I'd had a bit of a mishap on Tau Ceto e--running from the law--but presumably none of these Tau-Ceto-ans would hold it against me. Or even know about it.
         I also saw a few Alpha-Catoblepans with their weak chins, prominent noses, big ears, and fur in shades from white to black. They also sported tunics. Why were tunics so popular? A couple of white-furred AC ladies(?) sitting behind me waved energetically as I turned around. I modestly waved back. They seemed thrilled. I'm sure I made their day, since on Alpha Catoblepas I was renowned as a supremely gifted singer.
         The Keplarrians resembled nothing so much as big snakes--wearing tunics. I guess when you have high gravity and a thick atmosphere, a snake is an economical body type. I nodded at the group to my right. They didn't respond--or if they did, it wasn't in any way I could discern.
         I perused the crowd some more. There were quite a few species I didn't recognize, like that violet cloud over to the left and the rock-looking thing next to it.
         Intermission can last a long time when you don't have anyone to talk to. I was just debating going over and chatting with my AC fans when the lights flickered, indicating the show would go on momentarily. I carefully set myself back down in the seat.
         Sure enough, the lights soon dimmed...
         
         Hamlet, aka Captain Gina Gomez, said, "As thou'rt a man, give me the cup: let go; by heaven, I'll have't." Yes, it was an unusual choice to have a curvilicious woman playing Hamlet, but the captain was in charge of shows as well as the ship, and apparently, rank has its privileges.
         Suddenly something was on my head blocking my vision, but when I tried to take it off, someone or something held my arms down. "Hey! Stop it! Let me go!"
         Behind me, someone said, "Shh!"
         In the background on stage, Gina said, "Absent thee from felicity awhile..."
         I felt a small prick. That didn't seem right...
         Everything went dark.
         
         When I came to, it was pitch dark. I was lying on some kind of stone floor. "Hello? Anyone there?" I tried to get up and realized the strong gravity and thick soupy air meant I was still on Keplarr-452b. Was that a good thing or a bad thing?
         Surely, the Shakespeare crew would be busting in any second to rescue me. Surely, they all missed me immensely by now. Surely.
         "Hello?"
         No one came.
         "Anyone there? What do you want?"
         No one answered.
         "Help?"
         Nothing.
         It looked like it was up to me to get out of here. I tried to stand and, woozy, decided crawling was a more efficient means of locomotion. I crawled until I touched a wall. It was stone. I crawled the entire perimeter of my cell. It all felt like stone walls. Where was the door? How had I even ended up in here?
         I lay back to regroup and come up with a plan.
         I wracked my brain. Jeez, coming up with plans was tough especially when one was woozy.
         I lay on the floor for what seemed like forever. In the dark, with no sensory input whatsoever, it was impossible to tell how much time was passing. Eventually my disquiet was replaced by boredom.
         "Hey!" I yelled. "You can't just leave me here!"
         I paused to listen.
         Nothing.
         Apparently, they could just leave me here.
         I wracked my brain some more. Since I was technically less than a year old, it was doubtful this was about me. Either they wanted to use me as leverage somehow against the Shakespeare or this had something to do with my original, the infamous Old-Jack. I pondered. Yeah, it was most likely they thought I was Old-Jack and I was in possession of his stolen goods or he owed them money. Or he'd murdered one of them. The extent of Old-Jack's crimes was still being investigated.
         I'd had enough. If I couldn't escape right now, or come up with a plan, at least I could do something constructive: I could rehearse. The next time the Shakespeare put on Hamlet I would play the Danish Prince.
         I started to stand but gravity was still very strong. Why use up my energy? I could rehearse lying down.
          Let's see. What's my first line?
         "A little more than kin, and less than kind."
         "Not so, my lord; I am too much i' the sun."
         Rehearsing was not super fun with no one to run lines with you.
         "Ay, madam, it is common."
         I heard a crash and suddenly light streamed into the room. A section of the rock wall had collapsed.
         Ted bounded in, grunting with the effort. "Jack! There you are! Are you all right?"
         I felt my eyes fill with (manly) tears of relief. "Thank God, Ted."
         Carter entered after him, looking like a hero, darn his classically-handsome looks. "Is someone else here? Captors?"
         "No." I shook my head and reached for Ted. He leaned down and engulfed me in his arms. After so long alone in the dark, it was heavenly.
         "So, you were talking to yourself?" Carter asked.
         Eva strode in, her big brown eyes flashing. She was the weapons expert and trainer on the ship. "You got him? All right then." It was wonderful to see her; we were very close. Truth be told, it was always wonderful to see Eva: she was very fit and beautiful.
         Ted said, "Let's get out of here."
         "Yes, please." I let go of Ted. "How long's it been? How long have I been prisoner?" He helped me off the floor and I got a head rush as I ascended.
         Eva looked at her fon. "Almost two hours."
         I couldn't process that. Only two hours? That couldn't be right. It felt like two centuries.
         Ted helped me to the door. "Yeah. We didn't know you were missing until after the show."
         "You didn't show up at the after party," Carter said. "In hindsight, that was suspicious. It's not like you to miss a party."
         Ted shook his head. "I thought you were signing autographs." We all started walking down the hall. "But then some AC ladies came looking for you, and said they saw you leave wearing a hood over your head before the end of the show."
         My prison was all nondescript familiar-looking gray stone walls and floors. The cell doors also seemed to be made of stone. "What is this place?" I asked. Then, Ted's words registered. "Did the ACs see who took me?"
         "No," Ted said.
         "The ACs were useless for intel," Eva said, striding in the front of the group. "Among other things, they didn't think there was anything weird about the hood."
         "Didn't you see who took you?" Carter asked me.
         "No." I shook my head and everything spun. I remembered the little prick. "They, whoever or whatever they were, must have drugged me. And they put something over my head."
         "The hood," Ted said helpfully.
         I nodded. Head spin. I was officially putting a moratorium on head shakes and nods.
         Eva stopped and turned around. "Who or what was it? What did they want with you?" She stared at me.
         I had no idea. "I have no idea."
         Gee, that wasn't ominous at all.